My Secret to a Lasting Relationship

Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet had a remarkable courtship. They enjoyed dancing at balls, attending piano concerts, picnics, and partaking in coquettish splashing in the rain at his country house, but after they married, Elizabeth seemed to enjoy her embroidery a little too much. She sat in the parlor brandishing her needle and thread while Mr. Darcy worked tirelessly on the piles of paperwork at his desk . . . day . . . after . . . day. Finally, Fitz could take it no longer. “Something is missing from our marriage. Darest I ponder what it might be?”

Dressed in the fancy, upper-crust manner Elizabeth had become accustomed to, she exercised her propensity for a strong opinion. “Might it be that you’re forever working, Mr. Darcy?”

To which the stately and ever prim and proper Fitz replied, “I only work because you provide me the time while you feverishly stitch those confounded pillowcases. When have you ever finished one?”

Elizabeth, happy to get to the crux of their tedium, replied, “You vex me, Mr. Darcy. When was the last time you called me dearest or darling?”

“If we’re splitting hairs, my dearest, then when was the last time you removed your rump from that chair?”

Okay, that was all a figment of my imagination. I love Pride and Prejudice because of the feisty Elizabeth Bennett and the brooding Mr. Darcy. But sadly, I imagine their marriage in dire straits after Jane Austen no longer directed their steps. Could this have happened to the fun-loving, flirty couple?

Sadly, it happens to many couples after they say “I do.” They settle into a boring existence instead of continuing the fun and flirty romance pattern of dating and winning their mates.

Would you like to know my secret to a lasting relationship? I write this to brides at many weddings: Treat Your mate like a boyfriend or girlfriend forever–

Never stop. Ever.

The moment the boyfriend/girlfriend magic fizzles, it’s easy to begin coexisting in parallel worlds. And slowly the continental drift begins until . . . the doldrums . . . settle . . . in . . . and staleness . . . takes hold . . . and no one knows how to recapture the love and the magic.

Once the magic is lost, how can a couple regain that boyfriend/girlfriend excitement?

1. Plan dates. Dating is refreshing. It’s a time when people try to charm one another and win affection. It involves concentrated efforts to please. Married life should retain those elements. Choose dates that are unusual and fun, such as a picnic at the end of a hiking trail; a romantic dinner at the beach; bonfire S’mores; a music concert; a moonlit walk in the wild or on the wild side. Attending a comedy club or a play; enjoy fondue with another couple; play board games. Be fun and frivolous to rekindle the love, the laughter, and the fun.

2. Continue love talk. You know, those nicknames and sweet words like schmoopy woopie, and dimple buns. Don’t allow a phone call to go to waste. Sweet talk your mate. “Is this the man of my dreams?” “Hello, handsome man of my heart.” My hubby and I have continued this talk throughout our entire marriage. I love to see his name show up on my phone. When I answer his call, I know he’ll say something so sweet. “Hi, beautiful,” or “Is this the most beautiful girl I married?”

Try to squeeze in this kind of affection every single day. Who doesn’t like to be called handsome or beautiful–maybe not dimple buns, though–that’s not so cute after age forty. Don’t we all like to feel loved and cherished? Why should it ever stop? Reel your spouse back to your heart and keep him there. Make him so deliriously happy, he only has eyes for you.

Keep your spouse so happy, he has no need to look for attention and affection elsewhere.

Once you find that spark, rekindle it every single day.

A few more suggestions :

3. Find the same interests.

My hubby and I share many of the same loves. We listen to programs and then discuss what we’ve learned. One channel we watch together is HGTV—you know—the home improvement shows. There are so many to choose from these days. Some of our favorite ones are Love it or List it, Vacation House Rules (although we’re not so sure about the wallpaper Deborah selects), Flip or Flop, and Fixer to Fabulous. Now, we have a mutual hobby of renovating our home. Some of our ideas turn out great, but others—well, not so much—so, we do them over, but we have fun working together. Another thing we enjoy is watching Jeopardy. We call out the answers and congratulate each other when we guess correctly. I’ll bet that many of you have other favorite game shows you watch together. Even though Hubby and I share several interests, we do have a couple of areas where we part the Red Sea—movies are one of them. He enjoys blow ‘em up action movies, while I enjoy love stories. So we take turns choosing. Another area we don’t have in common is sports. While Hubby enjoys watching football and basketball, I usually read or write and listen to his hoots and hollers from afar. But because I love my hubby so much, I often discuss details about the games with him. I’ve learned a lot about football over the years

There are plenty of other areas that we both enjoy. When the weather is nice, we like to head out for walks and picnics. There are many hiking trails in our area of the country. We also enjoy finding new restaurants with out-of-the-ordinary food. The point I’m trying to make is this-—know your mate. Be interested in him. Spend time with him so that you don’t grow apart.

Then instead of lapsing into parallel universes where two people coexist in the same home but are separate entities–intersect!

Find ways to intersect. Let your interests grow naturally because of your love for one another.

4. Share human touch.

Pets crave physical contact. We stroke them, hug them, kiss them, and baby talk them. And humans are no different from our needy pets. We crave touch and cooing words. When physical contact stops, parallel relationships begin—in other words, cohabitating side by side without intersecting. The minute you notice this happening, latch onto your mate and deliver a huge hug and kiss. Let him know you love him and care about him. Do you remember the Smokey the Bear saying: “Only you can prevent forest fires?” Every day, examine your marriage. Is it one rotten log short of a disastrous bonfire? I’m just saying—#a marriage without daily touch is like a decaying log sitting on a smoldering fire ready to burst into flames. To keep your marriage healthy and happy consider ways to show love through touch: Neck, forehead, and scalp massages, hand and foot massages, and the ever-popular back massage. And of course, keep up the hugs and kisses.

3. Encourage your spouse daily. Build him up. Make him feel good about himself.

Here’s another saying—if you tear your mate down instead of building him up, not only will he look elsewhere for positive strokes, but there will always be someone around the corner who will make him feel special and needed. #Don’t ever let the sun go down until you’ve told your mate how wonderful he is. Some might say, but my mate isn’t worthy of hearing something good about himself. Hoo boy. That’s a huge problem because everyone on the face of the earth has something good about them in the midst of their flaws. Try brainstorming a little. There must be something special about your mate, otherwise, would you have married him? Here’s another trustworthy saying, #Catch a person doing good and enthusiastically praise him for it, and he will keep doing good for continued praise.

4. And lastly, but most importantly, pray with your spouse.

There’s nothing more comforting than to hear your mate asking God to help you with your troubles and to keep you safe. And vice versa. #Mates that pray together stay together.

Let’s make this fun! Share some things you do or did to create happiness in your marriage in the comments below. We’re all looking for new ideas. I’ll place each commenter’s name in a drawing and send the winner a $10 gift card. The more you comment the more your name goes into the drawing.

May God bless your relationships. May He heal them, rekindle them, and create never-ending unconditional love that flows through them every day for the rest of your lives.